The Panic Sets In Again

Made with patterned paper and card. Part of Touchy Feelings

In the last few weeks, Ive started to use public transport again, to pop into Brighton and commute into London. Its the first time Ive done any sort of public transport since March 2020. And Ive also started having panic attack again.
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Public transport has always been a potential trigger for panic attacks for me, as someone whose always struggled with agoraphobia. I think its the lack of control, dealing with other people and the inability to escape if a panic attack strikes.
In recent years Ive been able to manage the symptoms and used to go up to London at least once a week.
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But after the lockdown, Ive gotten out of the habit of traveling and I got used to not managing and mitigating my particular brand of panic symptoms (nausea, feeling like I need the toilet urgently, palpitations). Im suddenly aware of all the old signs and triggers. Im suddenly so aware of my insides responding to fight or flight, almost more vividly then before lockdown.

So, Im upset, frustrated and angry. I feel Ive gone back in my mental health recovery. This isnt the first time Ive had to overcome panic attacks. And Im tired of fighting and pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do normal things. And a huge part of me just wants to stay in my comfort zone. But I will. I’ll have to. I will keep on trying. Otherwise my life will be as limited as it was during lockdown. And we all know how much that sucked.

Things are opening up again in the UK and we talk about things becoming normal again. But for me, normal means facing hurdles and anxiety that I havent had to face in over a year. It means extra mental effort and feeling awful.

So this is for anyone who is struggling, who is facing unwelcome feelings, who needs to dust off old coping mechanisms to navigate through life again.

I see you and I am here for you ❤️