Scratching Something New
(I’m trying a bit of an experiment at the mo. I’m attempting to write blog posts using dictation app Otter. I am also making the audio available which is below, so you can listen, or read, or both :))
JONI: Hello again,
So I'm trying to do the same thing that I did in my previous blog post. Although I don't really know what to call it, is it is it a blog? Is it a voice note? Is it a transcript? Is it a monologue? Is it a dialogue? I don't really know. I guess I'll call it a blog because it sits on the blog page of my website, but I don't really know what the name of it is.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. What is this? I still don't know. But hopefully it has been nice to hear me talking. Or to read along!
Yeah, I guess I haven't quite got to the part where I actually talk about anything useful or anything interesting.
This week has been a bit of a funny one, as they tend to be as the weather is getting colder. I'm feeling a bit more like I'm getting a cold. I feel a bit susceptible to to these bugs going around. So I've, yeah, I've been feeling a little-a little ill, a little rundown, but that's okay. But the thing I was looking forward to most this week was Scratch|Meet which is a work in progress night in Brighton. I would say that it was bi-monthly so every other month. But I feel - Yeah, I feel like next one is in November. I'll put the actual date at the bottom because -
(The next Scratch|Meet is November 30th)
it's not the first Scratch|Meet that I've gone to. I went to the last one, but it's the first one that I’ve performed at and I really think it's probably one that I will perform at again. I had a really good time at Scratch Meet and I performed a little bit of Work In Progress, which is a piece that is a work in progress. It is me, sort of, figuring out my theatre practice, I think, as a- as-as not…. specifically on puppetry, or specifically for I guess a family friendly audience. This is my theatre practice, which is more… I don't want to say adult but, just- Yeah, just a bit more…
Not serious either… *Laughs* I guess, a bit more considered, a bit more depth-y *Laughs* has a bit more depth. Which is exciting to be doing because it's something that I've wanted to do for a long time but have lost my confidence over.
And over the past year, I've been doing what I can to feel more confident and it's been hard. *Laugh* It has involved a lot of conversations about, you know, “is this - is this shit? Is this good? You know, what will people think?” And I've been really trying to shift towards, sort of, enjoying the process rather than the product. But I guess what is interesting in theatre, is that the product gets shared and it is really in front of people. And you are really asking for very direct feedback. Not all the time because I have been playing around with streamed theatre, but I think there is still the potential for direct feedback. I guess when you do stuff in a room, there-there is a feedback that is very much felt. I can't even think what the-the sense is, you know, it's just the sense of …almost being able to tell where everyone is in a room and a sense of knowing if you have their attention or not.
It's the seventh sense, I guess.
But yeah, I've been really working towards creating something that I can do in front of an audience and very luckily, when I started thinking about right I need to maybe do something on a live stage… [it] wasn't necessarily, “Oh, after the pandemic, after now that we can actually be face to face with people.” This was-this was a problem that I had… a problem with my confidence before the pandemic, so it's been a long time coming. So when I started thinking about “right, I need to really try to put something on stage.” Very luckily we found out about this scratch night at the Rose Hill in Brighton and so we went to the last time, which I think was in July (20th).
And the Rose Hill as a venue is is lovely. It's so intimate and it really fosters that intimacy. It feels warm it feels… it feels like a performance hug. The moment you step in there. You know, it doesn't just feel like, a space above a pub that performers go in and create the right atmosphere. Like the atmosphere is built into it. And the atmosphere of the- of the scratch of a work in progress night is so nice. There was something so relaxed and so supportive and being able to see new work really sort of encouraged me, really made me start to think, “right this-this is it! This is the place to do it!”
And -and, so yeah, as …. the day after, I think, we went to the Scracth Meet (in July) um, ended up going to it, saying “right, this is what I want to do, can I-can I bring something?” and so I did! And this is a very long way of, sort of, talking about that experience. It was really busy, the atmosphere was-was great. There was a lot of people there who came, so it felt like a really big deal to to step onto stage.
I was able to go first, which I think was great. I was very happy to go first because I felt really nervous, a sort of nervous I've not felt in a very long time. It’s a sort of nervous that makes me want to move, like - *Laughs*
I just wanted to pace and I wanted to, you know, dance to the music. There was definitely an energy that really wanted to come out. And I remember just stepping out onto the stage and almost instantly feeling sick and being scared that I was - I was gonna throw up over everyone in the front row! But, I told myself, you know, “you've got to- you've got to keep on going. You've got to say those lines that you have in your head, you have to do that gesture, you got to open up a little bit. It might not be the best performance that you've ever done, or the best version of the… this text, of this performance. But this is the first one that's been on stage. It's going to be very vulnerable. It's going to be very scary. But you have to do it. Because the more that you do it, the less that this feeling will come up.” Which is maybe something that I've had to learn, you know, having an anxiety disorder andreally struggling with anxiety.
I think, what is interesting is I'm really starting to talk to myself in a really kind way. And I think this whole journey of bringing something back on stage after, really, not doing a lot of theatre-making that feels like it's coming from my soul, that has been carved from a vulnerable bit of me…You know, has been learning to be kind and compassionate with myself and feeling that fear, as they say, and doing it anyway!
So yeah, it was just nice to be onstage. Part of me hated it and part of me said, “this is the- this is the step that you have to take.” And I think I did start to relax a little bit more into- into the work, into the craft. And now I just want to do it again *Laughs* and again and again and again. And I was glad (that) to go first because then I was able to really enjoy the rest of the night and there was some absolutely amazing pieces!
That realIy made me feel part of something. That I was witnessing something really special. And I’m gonna put some of- of the -the reviews I guess -it's not really reviews. It's just, I decided to just give a bit of short and sweet feedback. And I'll put those at the bottom because I'm walking at the moment. And I don't… I don't have my notes in front of me.
But I felt really encouraged. I think it's- it's maybe a bit *Laughs* weird to admit, on a blog on a website, where essentially I'm trying to display my skills and, sort of, sell my skills a little bit as a theatre maker, as a - as a performer. And yet here I am talking about feeling so nervous and feeling sick standing on stage, but I think it's important. I think it's important to admit, “you know what? This happens. This happens!” And, like, it's okay to have to take a break from performing. It's okay to have to build yourself up again because I think what I was able to share was a little special. Was a good piece of performance. And if I decided that, after losing my confidence, well, that was it, then I would have never made that piece. And I think it's important to remind ourselves as performers that it is very anxiety inducing. And it's okay to, sort of, go back and forth between feeling really confident and being in that very vulnerable place of feeling so nervous and exposed.
It's okay.
And I guess that is what the ethos of Late to the Party is, which is, I guess, the theatre company that I want to - …that I've made to create this work, to create this very vulnerable, very uncertain work. But yeah, I really encourage anyone… and I hope maybe this is what this- this post is for, is to say, “it can be very scary!” But I guess, my piece of advice…the, the, the, the, the the very calm voice that sometimes I get inside my head, which is always *Laughs* just very calming. And it's, you know, it's just a bit of me, that I think, is the bit of me that really loves me, that can be very calm, and can give me that- those- those moments of going, “Okay, it feels- it feels bad now, but it will get better.” And I guess that's the advice that I would give, give to everyone. Because actually, there was something so nice about standing there, vulnerable and exposed, and feeling the focus of an audience. And maybe that's the bit that was scary. Cause especially since the pandemic, and maybe even a little bit before, I don't think I had all of that focus of an audience *Laughs* for a long time for my specific work. And there is something very scary about that. But I think that's the magic of Scratch nights, you know, to test out work to be vulnerable to maybe fail a little bit, to not know how this was going to work. There is just something so beautiful about that. So yeah, if you are a performer in Brighton, sign up for this scratch. It was a really lovely, magical experience. And I can't wait to go back with more work. And also to go as an audience member. You know, I'm ready. I'm ready to see more work. And really encourage that.
See, yeah, I guess.
Yeah, this is just a post, this is just a start of a conversation and a start of a journey of making that work. I'm not very good at saying goodbye or ending things.
But yeah. I hope that this might encourage someone out there to, yeah, just open up to that vulnerability. Just a little bit, and to try and soften and relax into it. Because that's where we get the best work, I think.
